disappointed...AGAIN.

shit... y? why does she always have to make me feel dis way. its really awful. and i dun like it.

oh yeah..i'm on half day off today. not much use tho, she's workin. alrighty, we still hav tml b4 i go standby for sunday. another weekend gone. fark.

and back to e topic, she called me juz now and mentioned dat her work schedule fer next month is not very good. i fail to agree. i think its totally FUCKED UP. in short, she's not gonna be able to spend time with me at all for e whole month. except MAYBE e 2nd of april. dat is if i have no sweep on dat day. great, so there is a extremely HIGH possibility i won see her for one month right after tml. great. wad a job.
so wad if she;s gonna earn much? money...fuck.

and e fact dat i juz told her something two days ago, and she forgot all about it again. and yeah, she juz hung up in a hurry leaving me scratching my head wondering wad e fuck was going on. i really wanna believe u, but how do u expect me to do so?
this is tough...very tough. i'm feeling miserable. dunno wad i shud do.

okay.. 1 janless month. is this still a relationship?

maybe yes, maybe no.

i dunno...i'm so lost on this road of my life.

had a small argument, not really one but oh wells...yeah - again.i dunno y but such small unhappiness are occuring rather often between us.

i'm not sure... but i dunno. i always think its her fault but i always end up saying sorry and making myself e guilty party. after some thinkin, i always felt dat it MIGHT be my fault as well. i really dunno. this time round, i'm rather more disappointed den angry.

it really saddens me on e fact dat she doesn believe me. Sure...sometimes i do sweet talk, but my sweet talk arent based on nothin. i juz make e truth sound sweeter, dats all. and this time round, it has nothing to do with sweet talking anyway. i told her e truth she doesn believe me. FINE.

and she lied to me, when she has promised me not to. it hurts me so to juz think of dat.

thirdly, how much does wadever i tell her get into her head? i dunno if she is uninterested or wad dat she can forget ead i said to her within 24 hrs. and yeah..sometimes she juz block my words off such dat she won answer me at all. it pains me so.

and she always juz admit dat its her fault whenever i am unhappy. w'o trying to explain or whatsoever. it juz makes mi think dat she cant be bothered.
and 1 thing dat made me fly into rage this afternoon was she actually said she dunno wad to do and told me to do whatever i want. yeah - she cant be bothered - again.

haven realli msged/ talked to her today. I MISS HER. but i really dunno wad to do. i really love her. to e extent dat yat hong could tell so juz by lookin at my face while we were talking abt her fer awhile during range yesterday. yes...its written all over my face. I LUV JAN.

i really wanna believe dat she really loves me. but i'm lost and confused. i dunno wads e truth anymore. i dunno wad to believe and wad not to believe. tell me..somebody juz tell mi wad to do.

in an extremely bad mood today. kinda snapped at a few pple and was rude to a couple others in camp today. and things didn help when mum shouted at me in e car when she sent me to book my TP in e evening. juz makes me feel maybe im juz redundant in this world.

ppl might be more better off w/o me. maybe jan would be a happier girl if she didn even know me in e first place. and might fare well in her A's.
i dunno if i'm good enuff fer her, really dunno.
or i might just n0t be e one for her.
drats, i shouldn have appeared in her life.

sad, disappointed , confused, annoyed...wad am i feeling? all of em. ):


JUZ KILL ME.

all about love....

this is it. this is love, and i'm savouring every sec of it. i luv this life...so my dear, dun worry too much about my wallet. money is meant to be spent. den we'll think of ways to earn it back. (:
we can always start budgeting de... ( i hope. :p )

yep..spent yest with jan. she din turn up fer work cos of her headache. oops, my fault for making her stay out so late on thurs night. yeah, so she called in and we chatted for hours on e phone almost immediately after i woke up, and e next thing i knew, i was out with her again. :D
this is my life , and u make up for e majority of it. :D :) :p

seriously need to find new things to do. couldn think of anything much to do, so we ended up in marina square watching Date Movie. to be frank, its a damn lame movie. but corny enuff to give u a good laugh. haha.
procceded to max brenner's choc bar again and had crepes, pralines and of course, our hot chocs in hug mugs. this time round, i realised dat we were ordering alot compared to e other patrons and i think its already much less den our previous patronisation. oh gosh my dear, i think its time to keep track of our diet...and our weight. ;)
din mange to catch e last bus, cabbed back - again. pouts.

jan met me early this morning fer breakfast at killiney kopitiam. had her fav kaya toast and lontong and of course my 2 half boiled eggs. juz luv e kaya toast there. simply MMmmmms!!
slurps.

den came over to my house. set up e two coms and we mapled together. she's finally mapling again. i'm not sure about her. but i had fun, i mean, its fun to have someone mapling together with u at e same region. shaobao and co. are too good to party with me le.. :/

went to watch disney on ice. it was fantastic. remembered e last time i watched something like this was disneyfest when i was in pri 6. 1998. 8 yrs ago. LOL. great to watch it again, i'm quite a disney fan if u dunt noe. lol. and to boot, i'm watching it with my precious darling. juz felt..... NICE!
how i wish i can skate like em....hmphs.

got a lil pissed when i wasn recieving enuff attention frm jan when she was rushing to church. i shouldn be but wells, my fault la. came home fer dinner before meeting jan again at bedok. yes, she came down to meet me. was a lil touched. shopped fer some groceries before sendin her home.
bus driver was a lil eccentric. it was obvious his bus bell had a problem and yet, he stopped twice on e HIGHWAY and accused e commuters of playin with e bell. he even threatened to call e police. oh come on man, its more likely dat we'll call e cops first. lol.
we need to complain. SBS 9027 T. 2300 hrs.
U R DEAD uncle... lol

tis grp of bikers stared at jan while i was walking her home. when i was with her. was a lil worried of wad wud happen if i wasn with her but i din really think much about it. when i sent her home and walked back to e bus stop, e bikers who passed us earlier were also there. and when they saw me, they actually circled back!! gosh, luckily i had my darling safely in e house le.

Sian...security sweep tml. sunday - BURNT. fark..i wan my sunday with my baobei.

LUV U DEAR. i'll miss ya.

SorrY deaR.

feel so bad about today. shouldn have said all dat to u at e esplanade. but it felt good to throw everything out to u rather den keeping mum about it. i really dun mean to get angry with u. guess i'm not good enuff of a boyfriend yet. but i'll try harder.

feel quite glad dat u understand and dun blame me bout it, but i cant help feeling miserable about it. dui bu qi , SORRY darling. i'll continue to try being e best for u. and ur thoughtfulness is very much appreciated. Hugs.

anywayz..no matter wad happens, u'll still be my one and only. my luv fer u won change. (:

on off tml, glad she's finishing work early tml. can meet her again! yay!

yawns...maple patch is taking so long to dl...sianzzZ.

guess my dear dear is asleep le ba...time fer mi to tuck in tooOOOooo..........

Summary of dis wkend.

jan went over to OCC to look for me while i was doing some golf practice on friday. proceeded dwn to chong pang fer dinner/supper. had dis fried hokkien prawn noodle which was so popular almost everyone was eating it. so jan and i shared a plate and we had bedok chwee kuays! hmmm..nt bad. seriously think i shd start to change my impression of chwee kuays frm now on. yeps...den proceeded home and failed to level up for maple. LoL....

met jan yest afternnoon in town.walked walked abit and managed to do some shopping with jan ( yes, again..haha ) before heading to cine for e movie , wolf creek. i tell ya, it was rather boring lor. too draggy, and e climax is like only worth 15 mins of e whole show. so to those who haven watched it yet... DON'T! :p
ate kaya fondue and siew mai at this newly opened hawker place at esplanade. the kaya fondue was..Mmmm, great. wonder hw they came up with it...damn nice lor. e bread is so nice u can simply eat it alone!! yeps..watched abit of this performance by this mud band called tiramisu. despite them bein muds, i gotta admit, they were good. and provided good entertainment. haha...

juz back frm meeting jan. happy happy happy. but i'm gonna miss her.
sang at k box - marina today. wasn in my best state to go sing today but i guess it was alright ba. i still totally enjoyed singing today. arhh..so shuang la. destressing!! haah. yep yep...den ate at this qi ji place. i tell ya..its totally, BUDGET!! and e food is not bad too. yeps.

jan accompanied me on my way haome juz now. i was rather touched. sweer lor. yep..

no time le..bookin in soon. yawns...half sleep writing dis entry. cant stand it..i need to sleep. yawnss.

ugh..y...ls pls pls pick up ur phone laarrrzzz... ):

was on exercise rapid storm last night. back only this morning. kinda funny lor...like things dat happen on tv actually happens in real life..but in e form of an exercise. too bad i wasn an EOD commander, or i was rather fortunate not to be a commander. i mean, e operation with e Special Ops force and police was cool. but i couldn help pitying e commanders with the pathetic look they had on their faces when they were done with it. and oh wells, bored mi juz tried to take a nap in e SUV, but my sleep was acoompanied by e dozens of mosquitoes ard e area with a constant buzzing in my ears as my lullaby. really wished jan could have stayed up to talk to me. but no, she has WORK today.

got woken up by some goddamned uncle who wants to paint our bunk. i shouted and swore at him, which i din really mean to. but i guess he deserved it, given e fact dat he couldn ask mi politely and disrupting my peaceful slumber. called jan after dat...juz had e feeling she couldn wake up in time.
i was right. she didn. talked to her fer awhile b4 she had to hang up. really din wanna let her..but i cant do dat...she has got.... WORK.

staff tan asked mi to go on half day off today. which i politely rejected at first. but persuasion frm e rest and a part of me juz made me agree in e end. i was half hoping to meet jan fer her break today. and dats one of e reasons i'm feeling so frustrated and sian diao now. she is UNCONTACTABLE!!! i muz have called her cell a dozen times and msged her once. but no reply. y cant she juz pick up e phone? have she lost it or wad. argh...
i have this bad feeling...this feeling dat i will be wasting my half day off today. cos i think i won be able to meet her le... i mean when is she gonna pick up her phgone? when she finish work? darn...and to boot, i dun even have much off to be used in e first place. i had 3. now 2 and a half days left.

GREAT...farking hell.

and once again...all bcos of WORK !!!

i hate this...i noe dat its near impossible fer her to spend so much time with me de, and work is juz gonna be part of her life at e moment. i cant be selfish.
but i guess i juz feel neglected.

i mean e fact dat we won even have much time together now le. given e fact dat i'm bookin in on sun night instead of mon mornings now. and she has church on sat evenings now. and i gotta serve dia damn country on my weekdays. and den still like dat.

pick up ur phone girl. i'm going bonkers. ):

Yay!! ugraded status lo... :D

staring at that thing on my right middle finger. cant help grinning to myself. hehehe.
my heart is fluttering with joy.
more den a boyfriend to her now...and she's more den a girlfriend to me as well.

(: (: (: (: (: (: (:

met jan yest and went with her to e career fair. found a couple of options fer her. i mean yeah...she din do dat badly anyway wad. so relieved dat she's not gg overseas anymore. i muz have cried e most in years when we talked about it on e phone dat night. tears kept streaming down my cheeks. but yay! everything is solved now. (:

went dwn to town after dat... went to watch final destination 3 at lido. ermms...cool. rather gross but yeah...cool. dun call mi sick..but yeah..its my kind of movie. lol. haha. bought sausages , tori Q and stuff to eat in there. yums...e sausages were great..a lil obscene to eat tho.,.and e tori q was a mess...at least fer mi...ummsss... so ya... its up to u guys to try. haha.
oh ya..did i mention dat e ice mocha at lido cine snacks counter tastes great?? rich in flavour. e tot of it juz makes me drool lor.. slurps.

walked ard...yep. and went to pS where i got dat sweet lil thing on my finger now. hope she got hers on too. (:

yup yep yar...back frm meeting her juz now. went to parkway fer some dian xin/ramen stuff to fill her hungry stomach. den walked to east coast park where she intro-ed mi to lotsa nice nice places to eat. sad right? i've been living here for years and i'm having someone frm jln kayu to orientate me on my area. hmm...sad case. lol.

no time no time le....gotta book in le. shit. selarang camp life. missing seletar camp le. and missing her. haix.

I LUV U DEAR. wait fer mi. i'll be out in a week! :(

wtf....i hate this

i guess dats love...u juz gotta accept e flaws in e other person. but...even tho i have accepted them, understood her...i juz couldn help feeling angry lor. VERY angry to be precise. she juz made me wanna juz shout out : go to ur damn bed la!! ' and juz hang up on her lor.

i mean...its not like i wanna force her to talk to me or wad la. i had told her to go to slp lor...she insisted dat she wans to talk. fine...rushed thru my goddamn bath. and den ? -she wans to slp. -tho its not e 1st time dis is happening, i juz felt a rush of anger. goddammit!!!

sorry...but i really hate it when ppl dun respond to mi lor...juz cant stand it. its like i'm talking to a wall like dat lor. and yes, this is happening almost every night. to be precise, this is e 4th time this is happening in 5 days. too many times fer mi to talk. frankly speaking, i was already rather pissed yesterday. but i kept my cool and juz hung up. luckily she din notice it. but today, i cant control anymore. e man is angry. UGh!!!!

i mean, there are many occasions i really needed to slp. especially this week. really busy since wed and bery bery tired these days. could fall asleep almost anywhere!! believe it or not, i fell aslp in my MOPP 4 suit and gas mask under e hot sun at 11 a.m yest!!! shows hw tired i am. but i held on...all becos she said she wants to talk to me.
i rushed thru my bath today, again, all bcos she said she wans to talk. ( and mind u, i had alcohol juz now..)
and wad happened? she fell aslp. fuck. i dunno...i juz feel lousy abt it.
it juz makes me feel dat she aint putting enuff effort, unlike me. i know she doesn mean it this way, she juz cant take it. i mean, i cant expect everyone to be as tough as me rite? i dunno...haix.

i juz dun like this. really. i rather we not talk. seriously. at most juz miss each other more lor. rather den always end up like this. its nt like once or twice. juz too often for me to take it. i cant really tolerate this.

ok....i'm so angry nw...dun even feel like meeting her tml le. afraid- afraid dat i'll blow up at her. super tired...din really wanna talk de, couldn bear to disappoint my darling ( which she did otherwise ). but now, i'm too angry to fall aslp.

FUCK.




ok...bout this wk, dressed up in mopp 4 under e sun fer hrs yest. felt like i could die. warrant chong was much better den wad others make him out to be. i certainly hope he's always like dat.

yep..den did my SUV assessment today. passed w/o any trouble. haven lost any touch with e SUV yet, despite months of not touching it at all.
although i feel dat staff tan din really like me, i felt dat he held me in regard in terms of my driving skills. dats y he's selecting me out of e 6 to start refamiliarisation training and assessment first. hope his impression of mi wud change, den easier to take off on May 2nd.

unit cohesion day today, kinda ok. tot it wud suck. but chup sa kept getting food fer us. so e pissifying part abt too lil barbecue pits fer too many ppl din pose much trouble fer mi at all. yep..had a few cans of beer. SAF tiger...sucks. no effect de sia.

i really feel like drinking now. feel like grabbing beer frm my fridge to drink. at least lemme forget abt wad happened juz nw. den can slp le. but if i get drunk, i won wake up in time to meet her lor...haix. fuck la....fuck fuck fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RTU - return to unit lo!

back in 36 now. life is jz so different nw before i left. its busy bisy now rather den e slacky slacky life we used to have there. ppl are all driving driving driving. jun hao has become a confident driver le..not like wad he used to be...scared to drive. uncle chong has excelled in handling e IED bus le... many are better den me now. sianz....

but oh wells, great to noe i'm not forgotten yet. many still remember me. and by e looks of it, we are generally welcomed back. might b too early to say so but oh wells. i hope life will b much more better and interesting frm now on. (:

it kinda saddens me a lil by leaving seletar camp. i mean, it wasn dat bad..slackslack de.. but i cant stay there. i will grow fat and unhealthy. and e main reason is i will be far far away frm jan agn. ugh..cant meet her as easily as before le. and dat means less often!!! bleahx. nvm..i hope i'll work something out ba. lol.
e life there juz feels like a nice short dream. and its over. ): ( excluding e master ng part la...)

jan got her results today. not as good as she expected. shant elaborate much. but i kinda blamed myself. did i play a part in causing dat to happen? did i enter her life at e wrong time? i dunno. she said dat its not my fault, she has tried her best. i believe her. but its kinda sad to say dat her mom doesn think dat way. ( frm wad i think la ) she actually told jan dat even if she has free time she wud be too busy part- tor- ing. ummm...i dunno. but i think things will be different when she start studying ma. i mean now she oso have nuthing to do wad, of course spend time with me rite? haix...guess her mom is juz too angry le ba...or rather disappointed?

haix...one day nia...missing her le. and e worst part is i cant feel her anymore. she's so far away. sian.
hw i wish i could lend her a shoulder today. but i guess e best i coould do tis afternoon was to lend her an ear instead. but i was sorry i couldn keep at it fer too long...gotta do my SUV fam training agn.

it feels good to speed agn. wheeeee!!!

hmmm..okaay

tot of it while i was showering...at least something went right today.

i resisted e temptation to ..... today! ;)

yay...discipline discipline. hmph

i juz S-U-C-K .

back frm meeting jan. feeling bad, sad , miserable.

i juz hate myself. it has juz dawned on me dat i have already stopped making her smile. i dunno since when. but wad once were smiles and laughters before are now replaced with frowns and tears. i dunno y... i guess its juz my fault. i am becoming more and more wilful. less thoughtful. not sparing a tot fer others. SELFISH.

altho love is selfish, i have never considered e fact of hw much stress and misery i'm putting my dear princess through. i never intended to, and up till now, i dun want to. but i have done so. and i really wanna stab myself a hundred times to juz make myself feel better. but will it help? my pain won make up fer e stress my darling is going thru.

i dunno y...really dunno. i din realli mean to be demanding. juz insecure i guess. alot i have to say. too difficult to put into words. i am becoming over-reliant on her daily msgs, phone calls and e swt whispers. too reliant such dat even one part of all these is missing a day, i wud feel utterly miserable, disappointed, lifeless, like utterly drained of energy. she has become more of a girlfriend. she is my LIFE.

i'm beginning to hate myself. i really do. someone pls slap me. wake me up.